Greener Grass

As tempting as it is to write about how offensive Starbucks cups are, I don’t really care. This marks one year of me writing this blog. One year of writing something on theology or some reflection on my walk with God. One blog a week.  It has been great, I really have been enjoying it. So what have I learned besides needing an editor? I look back over my entries and I notice that I have had challenges in many areas that I thought I had down. I thought I had already come this way before.

I have been thinking about hope lately. For awhile I realized that my faith was troubling me. Before that I realized that my love was failing others. But what about hope. Paul says that faith, hope, and love are the greatest things, for life as a Christian.

But you could say I have been down.

And yes I have been, maybe you have been too. I was thinking about hope and how with faith and love it seems to be an action. But with hope there isn’t really an action associated with it, it is more of an attitude. There are decisions to be made with all of them for sure but Hope, really only hurts myself. It is similar to bitterness. Bitterness does not hurt the person we are angry with. It does not pay retribution. It does not even the score or bring relief. It only hurts us.

I believe it is the same with Hope. Without it we only cause ourselves stress and worry. It does not cause a solution to come about. It only robs me of my contentment. So because of the potential for so much destruction in my own life by a lack of it, I should probably make sure that I have it.

If all I can do is look at the greener pastures on the other side of the fence then I will never be content. A lack of contentment contributes to hopelessness. Hopelessness can lead to depression. This is a dark circle.

Jimmy Gnecco of Ours sings:

I did my best to stay up, that never felt good enough
but in the back of my mind, I still was learning to fight
I’ve been down, I’ve been down,
I’ve been down, I’ve been down,
but I am going to that place in the sky
I got another way to survive

I want hope to be enough to carry me into whatever God leads me.

Earlier this year I walked away from a position that was for lack of a better term spiritually oppressive. Not the job itself but how it was contributing to where I was going in my mind and in my spirit. It felt like a dead end. It was not where I wanted to be, it is not the field I want to be in. I went to Bible College and then to Seminary for what? To work with my hands instead? There is nothing wrong with working with your hands but for me, everyday was a reminder that I was not where I wanted to be. The discontentment grew. I was applying everywhere I could think. But nothing. It came to a fever pitch when I got into a small disagreement with a manger where I felt like I would be fired. When I realized this I rejoiced at the idea. It didn’t happen and I felt even worse that I wasn’t free.

Kimberly and I prayed and talked about it and we felt like God was inviting me to leave with nothing else figured out yet. It was a leap of faith for me. I would never do such a thing. I would never leave a job without having something else ready. I would never put that kind of strain and stress on Kimberly especially with Raphael now. But I left. I applied. I emailed. I interviewed. And nothing. It got to the point where I started applying to places not in my dreams because I just needed money. We have been praying for truth, and faith, and guidance, and jobs and well, nothing.Four months passed and we were out of money. I get a call from my friend and she has a job for me. In the same field I left. The same one that drove me to drink, not literally. But having thought about it I realized it wasn’t the job but my own sense of hopelessness. Sure the job is still unfullfilling but if I can’t find my comfort or peace and joy in God alone, then no type of arrival will ever help. The grass will always be greener because I have not found true peace.

The obvious solution in my and our minds is for God to give us what we want and then everything will be better. That’s how it works right? Well sometimes he doesn’t. So here I am now months in on this new position in the same field I left getting ready to go and interview yet someplace else with only a slightly better understanding of my heart. He brought me some much needed perspective on the grass albeit a bit.

I was speaking with a friend not long ago about this and sometimes God does a work in our life and this point just clicks. Sometimes it is a long drawn out process. I can’t choose which I get. I wish I knew how to go down the shorter path but really I can only return to sitting at his feet.

I know my hope must be build on nothing less, than Jesus and his righteousness.
I am supposed to not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean upon his name.
On Christ the solid rock I must stand, all other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand…

So I go to stand on Christ and trust in him. With hope I can continue or without it I can crumble.

I want a relationship with him to be enough for whatever he may bring me.
If I hold my dreams with closed tightened fists, then my fists will not un-clench when I come to worship. I never wanted to point fists at God, but that is where this kind of thinking leads.

If the grass is always greener then our hope is truly on sinking sand. If we allow the grass to just be grass then perhaps we can rest in him and our hope may move us.

I am done missing out on hope. I am done moving without joy.

I don’t know what God exactly has for me. But I want to find rest in him. I need another way to survive. I want to run again and keep running till I reach that place in the sky.



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